The Intrusive Narrator

In a well-crafted and engaging novel, readers become absorbed in the plot to the point of believing themselves within it.  Our goal as writers is to remove all barriers that stand in the way of readers and the plot.  Some of the snags are obvious; a historical date that is incorrect or a character changing eye-color halfway through the narrative.

But one impediment that can easily come between readers and the plot is often the narrator.  An intrusive narrator can remove readers from the action and bog down an otherwise interesting novel.  Here are some ways to notice an intrusive narrator and ideas to keep him or her in the background. 

Filtering

When action is filtered through the narrator, readers do not feel the full impact of the narrative.  Watch out for words like felt, heard, saw and their variants. 

Compare:

"The beating hurt.  A lot.  I felt the fists connecting with my midsection in bursts of pain.  When I heard Bruiser coming with the chain, I knew it would only get worse.  I saw my own blood dripping on the floor.  I wanted to vomit them and there."

with:

"They hulked from the darkness without a word.  Fists slammed into my guts and shattered my ribs.  A chain clinked, threatening worse pain than mere fists.  Warm blood trickled down my face and spattered my bare feet.  Vomit churned in my belly and burned the back of my throat."

The second passage had an immediacy to it that the first did not.  Nothing was filtered through the narrator, allowing readers to feel what the narrator felt without him telling them about it directly.

Tags 

Tags have the same distancing effect as felt, heard, saw and the others, especially in an action scene. 

Compare:

"I’m telling you, Bruiser, I didn’t take the money," I stammered.  Behind my back I clenched the briefcase’s handle.

"We’ll see about that," replied Bruiser, grabbing for my arm.  I dodged his meaty hand and fled down the corridor.

"You’ll never catch me!" I hollered over my shoulder.

Bruiser pulled out a pistol and shouted, "Stop now or die!"

I kept on running, laughing.

with:

"I-I-I’m telling you, Bruiser, I didn’t take the money."  Behind my back I clenched the briefcase’s handle.

"We’ll see about that."  Bruiser grabbed for my arm, but I dodged his meaty hand and fled down the corridor.

"You’ll never catch me!"

"Stop now or die!"

Midstride, I glanced over my shoulder.  Bruiser brandished a pistol at my midsection, but it did not stop my headlong sprint down the corridor---or my laughter.

Since only the narrator and Bruiser are talking, a lot of these tags are not only unnecessary, but distracting.

Description

Too much description of a character or place has an effect similar to filtering.  As writers, we have to give the reader's imagination a little credit and build with small details.  Watch for the verb to be and its variants (was, were, are, is) coupled with physical characteristics.  It's rare that a character's eye or hair color is essential to the plot.

Compare: